Flaring My Scarcity Nerve

The truck won’t start. Again. It did the same thing a few weeks ago and left us stranded in the parking lot of Mount Rushmore. It had to be towed and we were lucky in that the wonderful tow guy had a large cab that the entire family could squeeze into and so we got home to our campground. $500 and five days later we got the truck back, new o-rings on one side. Since our campground was way out of town, we had to rent a car, just so we could continue to feed ourselves. That was another $250.

Usually, truck repairs are a lot more expensive, so we were okay –  happy even – with being under $1000. After all, we figured, it could have happened the day before, when we were in the Badlands, where the weather was hot and we had no phone service. That would have been way worse.
Towing the Truck

Hubby decided that once we got into Denver, and were going to stay for a week or so, he would be proactive and take the truck in to have the o-rings on the other side done. Which, theoretically, would prevent us being stranded again. Hopefully. So, there went another $500 we don’t have to spare right down the tubes. At least we got a free rental car for the day.

And here we are, maybe a week later and the damn thing won’t start. Can I say Sh*t!? Hubby thinks the starter is toasted. My first thought (after swearing to myself) was “How much is it gonna cost this time?” I can’t help it. My job right now is barely paying for groceries alone, let alone gas and campgrounds and such. And my business hasn’t quite taken off yet, since I just started it, like yesterday.

My insides get tight and I get angry and a bit scared, to tell the truth. I start feeling like we don’t have enough – a feeling that I constantly have to fight and be on guard against. My scarcity nerve, as I call it, gets inflamed and it takes a while to calm it back down. That feeling of lack can be quite debilitating and I don’t think you can be feeling positive and creative and loving when that dang thing is flared up. But how do you get from that negative state back in to a positive one?

Okay, so banging your head against a wall really doesn’t work, although it does feel pretty good when you stop.  My baby bro told me last week that he likes to pretend he is playing the Game of Life. That way, if and when he lands on a space with an unexpected expense, he is more easily able to detach from the unfairness of it and just shrug it off.  I think that is an interesting idea, but his skin is a lot thicker than mine.

My approach is a little different. First, I try really hard to stay in a place of faith. And for the little bumps in the road, this usually works. If I stay centered on the faith that it will all work out as it should, then my scarcity nerve doesn’t flare and I can ride it out. This time was a little different, basically because it rides on the back of the other two recent truck repairs. I was okay the first two, not so much this one.

I got a bit peeved, to tell the truth. Not really at hubby, for not predicting this would happen and fixing it so that it wouldn’t, but kinda. He was just a convenient and safe place for my anger, although I tried to hide it. Not very successfully, I might add. The anger comes from frustration and the fear that we won’t have enough. Which is a bit silly, to be honest. We will be able to cover it, but that gut wrenching fear still takes instinctive hold.

So, when the first step isn’t working, I go to Phase Two: Complain to a Friend.  I got out my trusty iPhone and texted my wonderful friend, J, who happens to be camping a few lots down. “Stupid truck won’t start again. My patience is being sorely tested. Makes my scarcity nerve flare.” And bless her, she wrote back asking what she could do to help. I asked “Help me kick it to death?” And she said she would be there as soon as she found her boots.  How can you not start to smile with that kind of support? Finding the humor in the situation really helped me feel better.

The next step is to try to find a silver lining, no matter how faint.  In this case, J texted that they would be up for staying a bit longer, to both see the Pumpkin Chuckin festival next week which we had been considering and allow time to get our truck fixed. Ok, yeah!


He Has A Plan




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