Ant Bait & Letting Go

January 9

Well, shit. I dragged my ass back out of bed when I realized I hadn’t done these stupid pages. These are supposed to be MORNING pages, not evening pages. Cripe, I have to do things my own way. Shakes head and rolls eyes.

So I slept on the couch last night because ants were swarming the bait right next to my bed and on my bed, a bit. I shuddered to think of sleeping with those tiny things crawling around who knows where, so I waited until J and M finally went to bed around 1:00 am, grabbed my pillow and crashed on the couch.

Not the most restful sleep I have gotten. I kept getting up to go to the bathroom and woke up at 5, although I just went back to sleep after that. Hubby got up about 7 or so. I crawled over to my end of the couch and curled up to sleep again for about half an hour. Til coffee was ready. We were still out the door walking the dogs by about 8:30. I think. I’m having a hard time remembering that far back.

The girls went by themselves to the climbing gym today. Today was the first time I allowed my daughter to be driven by a teenage friend. I wasn’t planning on letting her, but she was comfortable with it and she IS 18, so I gritted my teeth, opened that door and let her go through.

The fact is, she could get hurt anywhere, at any time. I don’t have control over everything, unfortunately, and I will not be able to always keep her safe. That fact tears me apart. I want the kids safe, sound, happy and content. But two of them aren’t kids any longer. They are young adults and I have to learn to honor that. Which totally sucks on one hand. Okay, I admit it. It totally sucks with both hands and a foot.

Shit. Two fucking hundred words to go.

I really need to start doing these things in the morning.

M’s adventure away from me today actually went quite well. I monitored my internal compass and it was steady. No wavering at all. It was okay with the situation. I was a bit surprised, to be honest. I expected to have at least a wee bit of angst about it. But I didn’t.

I think when I accepted the fact that this was going to happen, I stepped into faith that she would be alright. When I operate out of fear, which totally happened quite a bit as a parent, her world narrows. When I operate in faith, it expands.

It is okay to have a narrow world when they are young. Not so much as they get older. It is time for some world expansion and I really need to get on that. It started in earnest today, just by getting in the car for a ride to the climbing gym with a friend. Who knew it could be that easy.

501 words. Thank God. I am going back to bed.

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